Growing Up "The Only": A Personal Take on Isolation and Empowerment

I grew up feeling like I didn't belong. As the only Black girl in a white family in a majority white community, I was acutely aware of my difference. I was constantly aware of what it means to be “on the outside”.

I didn't look like anyone else, and no one else looked like me. It wasn't just a matter of physical appearance, though. It was a matter of identity and belonging.

Without representation, I never saw myself in the people I loved and admired. 

I didn't see someone like me in the faces of the people who loved me. That left me feeling misunderstood, invisible, too much, unlovable, and more. It's a feeling that many Black and brown girls can relate to, and it's one that has profound consequences for our self-esteem, sense of worth, and future success.

The challenges I faced were both macro and micro. Macro aggressions, like being spat on in fifth or sixth grade, were jarring and traumatic. Microaggressions, like the denial of racism when it showed its ugly head, were insidious and damaging. When you're surrounded by people who have never experienced racism and microaggressions, they don't understand what they look like. They don't understand how they can make you feel small and insignificant - like you don't matter.

In response to these challenges, I started building a wall around myself. It was a subconscious process, something I didn't even realize I was doing at the time. But it was necessary, something in my blood. A pain others know all too well. The separation we feel when the "us versus them" settles into conversation. Those who came before us made sure we understood the feeling. The trigger to house yourself and your feelings in a cloak of protection.

But here's something else I know. You can never let them get under your skin. You can never let their words and actions penetrate deep enough that you forget who you are. All the beautiful and wonderful things about you. You are enough, just as you are.

It's not always easy to remember that, especially when you're young and vulnerable. Two significant moments I can remember (because the daily microaggressions are too many to recount) are having someone spit in my face in fifth or sixth grade and being called a n*gger b*tch at a teen dance during my sophomore or junior year of high school.

The spit in my face should have hit much harder than it did on an offensive level. But it didn't, and it didn't because I had to start building that wall around myself. Immediately. I didn't realize I was doing it. I didn't even recognize it was necessary.

You see, even in those moments, I realized something very important. Cops and well-to-do adults have never been there to "be on my side" and protect me. I knew pointing out the kid who spat in my face was only going to cause me trouble, immediately and down the line. Because that’s what they thought resolved the issue - a yearbook, an interrogation, and a ‘we told his parents’. 

Because white kids would never (ever) understand and empathize with what happened to me. All that ever happens in these situations is those around you will tell you how that person is good. They will tell you how that person probably meant something else. How they come from such a good family.

They will even find ways in which you were responsible.

I wish this wasn't the case. I wish I could tell you that people will eventually see, understand, and put themselves before you as a shield.

But the reality is, you have to be your own shield. You have to be the one to protect yourself, to love yourself, and to believe in yourself. That's not to say that you won't find allies and supporters along the way. But ultimately, it's up to you to stand up for yourself and fight for your own worth and dignity.

One way to do that is by seeking out representation. Finding role models, heroes, and icons who look like you and share your experiences can be a powerful source of inspiration and validation. Whether it's through books, movies, music, or social media, there are countless ways to connect with people who share your identity and perspective.

Another way to empower yourself is by embracing your own identity and heritage. Don't let anyone make you feel ashamed or less than because of who you are or where you come from. Your culture and history are rich and valuable, and they deserve to be celebrated and honored. Learn about your roots, explore your traditions, and share them with others who may not be familiar with them.

Most importantly, never forget that you are not alone. There are other Black and brown girls out there who feel just as isolated and invisible as you do. Reach out to them, connect with them, and support each other. Together, you can create a community of strength and resilience that can overcome any obstacle.

Growing up "the only" can be a lonely and challenging experience. But it can also be a source of empowerment and pride. By standing up for yourself, embracing your identity, and connecting with others who share your experiences, you can create a life of meaning and purpose. You can be the hero of your own story, and you can inspire others to do the same.